A Battle Within: Which Way to Go?

"To every person there opens a way:

A highway, a middle way, and a low way.

And the high soul takes a high way;

and the low soul takes a low way;

And in between on the misty flat,

the rest drift to and fro.

But to every person, there opens a way

A high way, a middle way, and a low way.

And every person decides

The way his soul shall go."

-- Ways, John Oxenham

Summing up his homily, our parish priest Fr. Rolly said, "May this poem be your reflection for the week."

And voila! With all the things troubling my once peaceful mind, (or has it really been peaceful?) I heard this poem and I knew it was Papa God's way of talking to me.

I have been in a vicious cycle of enchantment and disenchantment, of almost giving up and still holding on. I have been in this struggle -- in this kind where I ever hate to be -- a struggle of choosing between hanging on to the call of my ministry, or taking on the idea that things are simply not doing well for me and that I do not anymore fit in. And what I have been trying to do is to spot where my anxieties are coming from and to find cure for this distressing concern.

My best friend in the ministry once said, "May mali kasi talaga sa ministry natin." Yes, I know that there is no perfect system. Every thing bears its own imperfection. And that any group -- organization, at that -- is an embodiment of its people. My ministry has been a family to me. But the connection of our souls seems to be slowly growing in a superficial way-- or at least as to how I just see it. And this certain battle within has been affecting my performance as a member and as an officer of my ministry.

What I seek is nourishment for my soul, an exponential increase of faith and worship, requiring an ambiance of festivity and solidarity. And I am not seeing it from my current stance. I find myself wanting to thwart from the traditional way to the new and popular feasting of the faithfuls. But I know that it would be more impossible to constantly, and to completely commit myself to it.

From this poem I think, springs a step I have to take.

So tonight I pray:

My Lord, help me choose my way. Should I talk to my seniors about this, please give me the courage to do so. May I find the light and the right counsel I need in order to do what is right and pleasing to You. Surround me with angels who would help me give back my faith in my community. I love You so much and I do not want to disappoint You anymore. I know that whichever way I decide to go, I'll always go for and end up with You, and Your love. Amen.

 

In those times

It's in those silent moments between our talks, our midnight calls

... you laugh over a corny joke, over nothing at all

... those times you stare at me, and suddenly burst into laughter

... you steal a glance, and smile on your own

... you wake me up with your voice

... your eyes squint when I tease you

... you die of tickles on your knees

... you get amused by silly things

... you talk spontaneously and nonsense

... you keep quiet, with all the mad sense you make

... you activate your weird thinking

... you write and blow me away with your words

... you flash your smile with dimples on both sides

... you flip your hair and let it down

... you leave me chocolates and notes as your surprise

... you find my innocence cute and funny

... you get annoyed with my bipolarity

... you stay honest with your thoughts

... you feel guilty of something

... you say sorry when things get wrong

... you get jealous, and simply jealous

... you come to me and sit on my lap

... you text random sweet nothings

... you surprise me with little things

... you make me coffee and give me cookies
... you get needy, and super clingy

... we inhale, exhale, and pray together

... we walk, and talk, and hold hands

... you lean your head on my shoulder

... you cuddle me from behind

... you run your fingers through my hand

... you wrap your arms around me

... we kiss.

It's in those times... my heart keeps falling for you.

Everyday, I love you.

The First Breakthrough of Indefiniteness

JUNE 25, 2013
Happy First Birthday!

It's a year after.

What has become to a once an innocent child? Has the past reached its oblivion state? How do you believe that you are not standing in limbo?

It's a year after, and it calls for celebration.

Life has changed since the first step, the first look, the first touch, the first taste -- when all of your senses were still normally functioning within your naive human form, trying to keep you existent and alive.

You've reached your penniless state or your figurative nothingness as you realize that you have invested a lot in worthless things, wasted times, temporary satisfaction, and ephemeral pleasures that somehow even brought you obnoxious heartaches and pains.

Still you choose to stand still. It's a year after -- you're still holding your ground. You choose to stay and believe that things will happen in their destined time.

Hunger strikes when your soul starts searching for something new. You feel that a year gone by turned into a daily rut of forceful efforts to survive every day is pushing you to look for a brand new experience of doing things in a different approach.

And then comes procrastination saying hello. Fear follows and creeps in. Little by little, you let them drive the wheel and steer your ship onto rough waves under the menacing clouds. Now, what takes a toll in your life? Who's to blame?

The challenge is to be at the helm of things - you change your own destiny and be where you want to be. A year has passed and still nothing changed? Maybe then you are at a slow pace of seizing the days, especially when you're after a great difference in your life -- that break point you want to own. 

It's a year after. You deserve a pat on the back. Kudos my friend!

You have survived those days of blandness, jubilation and sorrow. Cheers to more days of life's surprises, to the indefiniteness and unpredictability of reality. You'll soon be having a day in the sun or find yourself in a pickle -- you'll never know. But continue to dream and believe for breakthroughs abound!

No worries, though. Just inhale, exhale, and pray.

It's all in His time, in His hands. You've got your faith, and you're good to go. 

It's My Early Birthday Message

My dearest Maura,


Hi little sister! Ate Erika's staying up late tonight. Initially, for no apparent reason. But I thought of you.

I've been thinking of doing this -- just now that I actually had the time to face my desktop and open this blog again.

To begin with: heart check?

11:20 am 06/08/13

You replied:

"Falling"

#Ehem

First, I want to say THANK YOU. We've been friends for more or less six years now. (Oh no! Oh yes.. we're growing old together. Hahaha.) And this friendship has grown a lot more stronger than ever. (Oh my gosh. I might get emotional in a while. Lol.)

And yes, for a little throwback here. HAHAHA.

You are four years younger than I am, though we know for a fact that others mistakenly think you are only and will always be a twelve-year-old, I have always admired you for how you get things done. You know how to calm down your Ate Erika. You know how to neutralize my extremities, counterattack my pessimism, narrow down my choices, understand all absurdity, and deal with my bipolarity. You're a patient little sister, dear. I know you love me so much, you won't get sick of me even if we get stuck with each other today and forever doing random stuff like shopping, dreaming, and ranting over all our souls' frustrations. Haha! THANK YOU. I thank God for you.

I've been taking you through my life's journey -- through my ups and downs, my confessions and confusions, and my winning moments of love and life. And you're just there, sitting next to me while eating chocolates and all other sweets, or drinking McCafe, bearing with my cyclical, too detailed and endless stories, then silently laughing, turning red, crying! Oh how cute you really are! Hahaha. Priceless UBE moments, eh?

Still, there are things you have yet to know about me. And as I've told you, you'll know them in time. But I'm thankful enough for how far we have come to know each other. I always learn from you -- learning nuggets of truths I have long forgotten. May our days together be more meaningful as we walk through our God's destined journey. (MLC Forever na 'to dude! Haha!)

ANYWAY.

Have you by this time realized the reason behind this piece? Ok. Fine. Honestly, you are not scaring the hell out me. Nuh-uh. Not to that extent. But I think -- I just don't want to admit how unprepared I am to let go of you anytime soon, little sister.

10:25 am 01/07/13

You texted:

"Pasalamat ka i love you and i value your happiness.

I think ganun naman talaga mga baby sister. Selfish.

Pero in the end naman it's not about us.

You go wherever your heart leads you.

I'll always be here to listen, to walk behind, 

more than willing to be the third wheel.

That's how much i love you. And that's how much i am willing

to accept anyone, eventually love anyone, you love. >:)<"

Oh again, with my *tears*..

Here me out this time.

I'm sorry, baby Mau. I would never want to dictate anything. But I think, big sisters act this way because that's how they are suppose to. We are in nature, protective. You know me too well -- I'm opinionated. And I have to say things I have to. But when it all comes down to you and your heart, one thing I don't want to happen: I don't want you get hurt.

Yes, I know it's inevitable. And it's actually necessary to get hurt. And that I have to let you do things on your own and let you learn, and blah blah blah.. .. but your Ate Erika's still in the process of trying to accept possible changes. I am foreseeing things not imbued in my system. I'm sounding selfish here, I know. Still I always end up thinking of you. I've seen you break down and cry -- it broke my heart. I don't want that to happen again.

However, there is a big BUT.

I told you -- I have always admired you. I know you can handle things well. I won't recommend HOPELINE this time. You don't need that. Haha. I want you to always PRAY. Okay? And give me a ring whenever you need to. If you are to fall, fall gracefully. If you are to fall, let someone catch you -- someone strong enough to get a grip on you. Kung wala talaga, ako na! Si Ate Erika na. Isasama ko pa si Ate Larvie! Para pag nalaglag ka, sabay-sabay tayong tatawa na lang. Ok? :)

Oh well! Whatever course you take, I am with you. Whoever you choose, I will be.. uhmm.. to be fair.. I will be kind. Haha. Lols. But seriously, at the end of the day, I'm just here to back you up, to give you a tap on the back for jobs well done, to push you forward in reaching your dreams, and to welcome you with open arms when you need comfort.

Ate Erika loves you soooo much! Always remember that, ok? Here's to more years of McDo bonding, loving, and hugging underwater. ♥

Yes to early birthday messages. But no to early birthday blues. Ok? HAHA.

I love you. I miss you. God bless you always! :*


xoxo,

Ate Erika