The P.A. (The Point to Appreciate)

  I remember the summer nights I cried myself out when I felt doomed trying to cling on to the last twisted strings of hope I had. It was torturing to feel and to see that everything was falling into place for everybody else while I was left with no place to go, free falling from somewhere down to nowhere. I was choosy. So, I was jobless. Well, that was last summer.

  Now, everything's turning just the way how I wished it to be. God heard me cry, I guess. The hands of His clock and mine finally synced. And I think  God thought it was time for Him to let me taste the joy and pain of getting what I want.

  And, heaven and hell it is! (Still, more of heaven, though.)

  I have long realized how academic achievement gets to be somehow disregarded in a skills-oriented legwork job. It's like being under an agility test, and you have to beat your record every day, forgetting about how line x meet with line y in a tangent, or how our sensory neurons send information from our sensory receptors toward our central nervous system. Well now, it's logic, ethics, and physical education. And you have to earn your hundred points for it.

  The thing I have encountered for several times is that, after graduating from a four-year communication course, I've been asked, "What's your work? What do you do?" And I, who is naturally talkative, couldn't explain it. It gives the feeling of exhaustion even without uttering a word to explain what a production assistant (P.A.) really does. I end up sighing, wishing it would simply explain it all. The work is just mentally driving. Collating scripts is not the only concern; but also, being pushed and shaped up to be more keen and enthusiastic with how, literally, EVERYTHING goes around the place. It is definitely physically demanding. And if other people complain of being tired, I am not an exception. I get tired too. (I actually always get knocked out on my bed upon reaching home.) But I always thank God at the end of the day for being tired because so far, such fatigue from work is a very fulfilling one.

  No trace of complaint here. God knows how grateful I am for what I have and where I am right now. It's just that, my imagination of working for a battle-of-minds-and-clashes-of-ideas type of job where brain cells get crushed and drained in the production field, is not what I, in a hundred percent rate, exactly have as of the moment. At least, not yet.

  Anyone who would dare undermine the job is stupid. It's no joke. I believe that people who know less have more to say. And this one goes for those people who know you on surface and who automatically expect this and that from you. Hey, if you think that this Magna Cum Laude turned to Magna Cum-Wari, what do you care? I have nothing to explain to you. I'm happy, and that's it. No other opinion matters.

  The things I am learning from this phase of my life are the essentials. Aside from the ABCs of production, the valuable lessons beyond that are the priceless ones. Work Ethics is one big thing. Professionalism is a must. Hierarchy is important. Competitiveness should be a possession. Synergy is obligatory, but Individualism is also expected.  Stress is given. Pressure is innate. Joggling them with both hands should be an automatic skill.

  I have learned these things. And still, I am continuously learning. And I'm loving it. I have learned how to build good work relationships, amidst having chaotic and loud environment when times would require it. I have learned how to appreciate the people around me, upon discovering our differences, strengths, and weaknesses. Conflicts may arise at times, but all of us seem to know how to handle them well. You'll see the directors, and the producers screaming, reprimanding their people, and then suddenly cracking a joke, and laughing with them in a matter or seconds. You'll hear people complain, but then you'll see them happily eating lunch together after the strenuous airing. You'll see men seriously working, then restrainingly laughing over their own mistakes. You'll see writers facing their own computers, then joyously catching up with each other after work. These things make you feel that work is so much easier and lighter. Oh, God! How totally blessed I am with people and things worth appreciating!

  I surely know that God put me to where I am supposed to be right now. It's His will and I am not to defy. I may not be shining for the moment. Others may see full potential in me, but I still need God to rekindle the flame within my soul in order to shine for Him in where I am and in my generation.

  Last summer, working for any job just to be able to do away with time, was something I despaired about. But working for my dream was what I was badly desperate for to seize. And yes, I now have it in my hands. And it's even more than what I prayed for. From this point, it's all up to my feet to do the work in order to climb up and take hold of the moon.

Thank You, God.

I Love You. ♥

*article didn't go through proofreading na. antok nko sorry. haha*

One Rainy Day

Three years ago.

On a rainy Wednesday morning, it was the usual struggle for Marj to get up on bed and prepare for another hectic day in duty. Aside from the daily responsibility of assisting a handful of friendly patients in the hemodialysis unit, she knew very well that it was also the last day of finalizing the monthly reports, plus the day of completing the monthly requests for medical supplies in the department. She loves her work. But she admits that working sometimes gets the best out of her and that ounces of exhaustion seem to be injected deep down to her bone marrow every after thirty minutes. Nevertheless, she sat up straight, said a little prayer, stretched her muscles out, and finally took a bath. Since it was still early, she took the chance of sensing every drop of water from the shower, not minding the coldness of the season.

After finishing all her morning rut, she looked into the mirror and yes, she was ready to face the day. She kissed her mom goodbye, picked up her black jacket, her folded printed umbrella, and headed off to work carrying her red flashy bag that had a little yellow ribbon pinned on its right side which she got fond of playing with.

One fact that she hated most during a cold rainy season was that she had to walk on a muddy narrow street, under the drizzling heaven, trying to avoid every chance of getting her clean white uniform stained, just to get to work. Not to mention that she would always pass by the children of her neighborhood who were playing and running under the rain, throwing little stones on the little pools of water, making her hate the splashes, and hate even more to envy the fun she sees in the children – everything was a challenge when it was rainy. And she hated it.

She got to work just in time. She saw the three early ones from the first batch of patients for the day, and although she wasn’t really loving the rainy day, she still curved her face and gave them a morning smile. One of them was Maria, an old lady who always gave her the sweetest smile and greeting. The old lady summoned her. Marj approached Maria and reached out for her warm hand.

“Yes, Mommy Maria? Is there anything you want me to get you?” Marj asked.

“No, I’m fine. Thank you. Nick already prepared everything for me. You look a little different today.”

“Huh? What do you mean Mommy?”

“I see a little glow from your face.”

Marj is exceptionally beautiful. She has a long black hair, deep round brown eyes, with long dark lashes, a tall nose, and fine red lips. Her smile is very prominent. It’s perfect. Anything she wears seems to fit her perfectly. She carries herself with grace. She’s very feminine, but she’s not one of the petite girls. Her height stands out among the common girls around. She is beautiful, and even a stranger can attest to that. That day was just a little different – at least for the eyes of Maria.

“You’re always beautiful Marj. You know that. But today, I don’t know. It’s like, something positive within you radiates and it makes you more beautiful.”

         “Oh Mommy Maria, you always make me blush! Thank you!” Marj giggled. She quickly thought of her not-so-fine feeling this morning, and wondered about the strange words of Maria.

            “Today will be a blessing for you darling,” the old lady said.

                Marj smiled back. Now, that was weird, she thought as she went back for work. The room was filled with patients as noon came. The patients from the first batch were almost done and those from the second batch started to come in. Others were waiting outside for their turn. Marj was already half-way done on her reports and all other paperwork. But, it was break time for her. She asked Nick to cover for her first. Jhoyce and Jhane joined her for lunch.

                She only ordered vegetables, and a fried fish because she was cutting out on meat lately. She had an apple at the side while Jhoyce and Jhane both had brownies on their trays. They each had a bottled tea for drinks. They sat near the window. And as they were eating, Marj noticed no change in the weather. The rain got even heavier. She suddenly looked for a trace of mud stain on her pants, and she did see one at the back. She threw a little disgust on her face and remembered how she hated rainy days. They continued their meal and had little chats in between. Marj is a cheerful person, especially when she is with her friends. But rainy days can really affect her on ways she can't even explain.

                They had no plans of staying a little longer in the canteen, and so as soon as they finished their food, they got up and returned their plates. Their canteen management implemented Clean As You Go to save time and effort, to keep the place clean, and to discipline every one who eats there. As Marj placed her spoon and fork on the trays of dirty utensils, someone accidentally spilled something on her hand. She made a face and a sound of disgust and irritation when she had learned it was fish sauce. She heard a man’s voice apologizing repeatedly but she didn’t mind the sincerity in his tone. She tried to react blankly as she said “it’s fine” while wiping her hand. But the man noticed her irritation. He said sorry one last time as Marj, who did not even throw a glance on him went out of the canteen together with the two nurses, who looked back at him and gave him a blaming stare.

                Marj went straight to wash her hands. She washed her hands with a fragrant soap, and rubbed alcohol on them afterwards – and repeated the washing process three times. Of all things, it really had to be the fish sauce? She went to the pantry, sat and rested for a while before going back to the station. She had the chance to close her eyes and sigh. Oh yes, she was not enjoying the rainy hump day.

                Back at the station, she heard the door opened and saw Mr. Rick Thompson, an old Fil-Am former soldier, on his wheelchair coming in. He was with his wife, Mommy Grace, as she calls, but a tall handsome guy with a very manly built who was wearing a plain black shirt and a silver dog tag chain was the one pushing Mr. Rick’s wheelchair. A new face in the room, she thought. She turned to Mr. Rick and Mommy Grace and smiled to them. She assisted Mr. Rick – weighed him, got his blood pressure, prepared his records, put him in the available unit, etc. As she was getting Mr. Rick ready, Grace gladly introduced his nephew Reinhart, to her. She turned to him and gave a little smile. Rein gave her a quick look and a nod. Grace was telling her things about Rein – it was Rein’s off from work and so he gladly decided to come and assist his uncle. But she wasn’t really paying attention to Grace but to Mr. Rick. She gave short responses to acknowledge the old lady. She politely said good bye for a while to go back to her other tasks.

            It was already late in the afternoon and Marj was feeling the pain on her neck. Half of the third batch of patients were already set in. She was feeling her neck when she suddenly noticed beside her was a small yellow piece of paper with a pencil writing on it. It read: “Sorry Nurse Marj.” She wondered and thought Nick was the one who wrote it. Nick wrongly wrote an information in the record of medical supplies, which gave her a little confusion a while ago. But Nick already corrected everything after she had gotten back from lunch. Still she asked Nick, but the note wasn’t from him. She was left puzzled.

               

She decided to take a break and grab a cup of coffee from the vendo machine, that was just outside the room. She forgot to bring her small pack of coffee this morning. So she went out and slid her wrinkle-free bill in the machine. She pressed on for the sweet and creamy cup of coffee and waited. She heard the machine dropped her change. She got her coins before reaching for her coffee. The aroma of her hot coffee was just a perfect blend for a rainy day. Oh, sweet!

Carefully holding the lovely cup, she headed back to the room when abruptly, someone opened the door. Fortunately, with her reflexes, Marj managed to move away the coffee from her but she was still holding it. A little of it spilled on her right hand, making her curse quietly. She was hurt. Rein saw her and repeatedly said sorry. Rein quickly reached for a handkerchief on his pocket and tried to wipe Marj’s hand. Marj was just thankful that she didn’t stain her uniform while Rein still kept apologizing. His gentle touch on her hand got into Marj’s nerves. She quickly pulled away her hand and said it was fine. She turned away, went back inside the room, washed her hands and finished her coffee. What a fine nice rainy day, she thought.    

           After her coffee break, she went back to finish her work. Jhoyce handed her cookies. Jhane was cracking up jokes, trying to shake it up a little for her. All the other nurses were busy with the patients. An hour before her shift ended, she saw another small piece of paper. It was yellow note with the same pencil writing on it that read:

“Nurse Marj, I’m very sorry for the fish sauce. And I’m very sorry for the coffee. - Rein”

It was him! The note made her smile a bit. But she got conscious about it, so she slowly turned to the Mr. Rick’s unit and tried to glance for Rein. He saw Rein looking at her. Rein smiled, and she... was completely charmed.

            It was again a rainy Wednesday morning. Marj got up, said a little prayer, stretched out, and took a bath. She enjoyed the coldness of water. She dressed up, put on a little make-up, and sprayed a sweet perfume. Kissed her mom goodbye, grabbed her black jacket, her folded printed umbrella, and her red flashy bag, which had a yellow ribbon pinned on its side. She heard the car’s horn. And with excitement, she rushed outside and rode on the car. On her seat was a brown bag with a tall cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll inside. She turned to the driver.

“Thank you, hon.”

And then and there, she saw Rein’s sweet smile that never failed to charm her.

What a perfect rainy day! ♥♥♥

(A story for my dear pencil, Marjoey de Guzman.)

Repent.

"Remember, Man is dust, and unto dust he shall return." —Genesis 3:19

It is once again a season of penance.

Do you think people were as excited as much as they were for Christmas and Valentine’s Day? Personally, were you? Have you prepared enough for this season? Just like how you went crazy hitting up the mall sales before Christmas? Or how you got anxious for days thinking how you’d spend Valentine’s day? For those people who wouldn’t think much of its core meaning, it is just the season for fasting and abstinence, and when a lot of people seemingly get lonelier. Or worse, they wouldn’t care about it at all.

Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of the Season of Lent. Christians would have to receive ashes on their foreheads – and this symbolizes the very first step of reconciliation for the season. It is a day when you fast and abstain. Fasting refers to the religious observance of eating only one full meal in a day while abstinence refers to refraining one’s self from eating meat. These practices are observed on Ash Wednesday and on Good Friday, and optionally for all Fridays of Lent. The Sacrament of Reconciliation is also greatly encouraged.

The passion and suffering of Christ is remembered for the whole season.  The Church emphasizes on the importance of giving respect to the divinity of His life of sufferings. There are certain rituals and practices done by the Catholic Church that encourage the faithful to payback His sacrifices by effortly offering one’s time, prayer, and sacrifice too.

These are only some of the basics you should know about this special Wednesday. It is in one’s heart where you should find the willingness to know more about the deeper meaning of the symbols and practices there are for the Season of Lent. It is a way of glorifying Him – to rush and seek for answers, and to spend time for reflections, just as how you sincerely and happily prepare for gifts during Christmas and Valentine’s. Give some time for Him. Give Him your gift of love and sacrifice.

This is only a question: Have you spared time to go and celebrate mass on this holy day? Or has the world gone very demanding that it made it impossible for you to give a little of your time for your Christian duty? If it it is YES with your whole heart and soul that you have, then good for you. You know you are blessed. If it is a NO – then brother, repent.

Remember this:

“Turn away from sin and be faithful to the Gospel.” —Mark 1:15

An Untitled Poem of Rejection

February 20, 2012

This isn't about a man. 

This might be about love. But it doesn't necessarily mean a certain WHO caused me such pain. I could do nothing about my tears but turn them into words. I couldn't think of a title... so let's just leave it that way.

The warm teardrops from the depths of pain
Flowing down from my sad eyes and broken heart
The promises of suffering from expectations
Had I not forgotten to remind my soul,
Could I have prepared my iron shield
Had I reminded myself of the past,
Could I have known what was next


As high as a skyscraper is pride
With all varied chances left unseen
Is what the blind and shallow mind's intent
Now drifting from the sea of possibilities
Left with nothing, not even hope
These tears push it to more sinking
How is it possible to ascend and see the sun?


It is such a big query of time and fortune
For both deserving and lost beings
For worldly matters tie with convention
My lonely soul dies to seek an answer
For the why's and when's of this life
I divert not my attention from such purpose
For the empty soul seeks the necessary


I wish not to withdraw from my faith
This sulking heart would fly by night
And my mighty God would save me
For He and only in Him would I know
The divine reason for these circumstances
The fleeting hope of my sullen being
Will soon be healed by His wings of love.

Unofficially Wanted to be Yours

I will never consider myself as an excommunicated being - whether at times by chance or by choice - for I truly know that I am a well-loved person. I got friends, and the best of them too. Although admittedly, there are times that I would prefer doing certain things on my own. I'm sure you know the feeling of being independent, wanting not to be disturbed, proving you can do something, and realizing that you can be more productive when you're alone. The truth is, being alone sometimes feels good.

Just as yesterday when I determinedly walked out of the house to see a movie alone again, (the first time I did it was because I selfishly didn't want anyone to be "kilig" for Toni Gonzaga but me and only me. Haha.) a friend of mine wanted to see the movie too so she tagged along. (See? I told you I got friends. What can I say, I'm loved.) We watched a local romantic comedy film entitled Unofficially Yours where John Lloyd Cruz portrayed a guy who fell in love with the kind of aloof character of Angel Locsin. And the usual formula happened in the movie where the guy met the girl, they had lovely moments together, they fell in love, a problem occurred, they resolved it, and then came the happily-ever-after ending everyone always wanted to see.

While watching the movie, we kept on noticing everything about Angel Locsin - from the color and style of her hair, down to her flashy red high-heeled shoes - for being amazed by how she carried herself and for wanting to imitate her as well. However, I was secretly pondering on how I was seeing myself in her character. The girl was a little emotionally distant. She set a boundary and had the guy agree to just a shallow, casual, sexual relationship. And it only appeared that it was fear that what hindered her from taking their relationship seriously. Yes, she had a strong feminine character. She had a family but she acted tough, independent, alone but lonely.

And since I'm a person who is most of the time unpredictable because I can be in both extremes, I'm now a little uncertain of where I stand. I have a long list of the things I want to accomplish. And I can clearly see the things I need to do on my own. These are my goals. And honestly, wanting for or having a lover is not in my list. My best friend actually asked me about it, "How do you see yourself in the future?" And I told her that I couldn't foresee myself being married, or being in a relationship at least. Isn't it a little selfish? I want self-actualization. And for now, I want to do things alone.

Contrary to this, I have been open for quite a while that I'm also waiting for a "special someone" in my life. When it's me turning into a hopeless romantic, I'd openly tell my friends that I want to be in a relationship again, unconsciously thinking if I earnestly mean what I say and if I really am and completely ready for it.

Fear would perpetually be present in me, and I know that I have to religiously try to overcome them everyday. The first I had was a traumatic experience. And until now, I have been living with its legacy: a great wall was built from such era and it's barring the chances in front of me and still, I have been opting not to break the ground all this time. 

Being in a relationship means taking a great risk of getting hurt big time just for the sake of your happiness. And as for me, I won't deny - I want to be loved again by someone whom I would love in return. But there are things I still want to do and I still need to finish. And having a relationship at the same time wouldn't help me to make it happen.

Today, I want to be in a relationship. And most probably tomorrow, I would drain away such thought and would go on happily living my life as it is right now. See how bipolar I am?

And for you my soon-to-be-partner-or-lover, I'm sorry but it's still unofficial. I unofficially want to be yours. 

♥♥♥

  

It's A Little Need

Sometimes, when I feel like writing, my mind seems to get lost of the right words to use the moment I ink my empty paper. But my heart keeps telling me that I NEED to write and I have to go on.

And sometimes, I really have nothing to say. My thoughts just flow incessantly and words get all mixed up so I get rattled with what to really write about. Do you know how it feels when what you only want is to make a sense of it all? And it turns out, you just can't write it down? Or simply, you just can't?

This one's a piece of a nonsense. But I can't stop myself from writing it down. Maybe because, I need this. I need to write again - whether it's "something" or just a crap. But of course, it would be better if I could make something great out of this - something you and I would understand.

I'm looking forward to write more. And most importantly, to write with a sense - that would make me (or my readers, if there is any) learn and realize something essential in life.