It was an Avenue for a Moment

What transpired was another story -- in another locale. It was at that awkward moment, under a booming silence, I lost my nerves.

I don't know what made me do these. I'm not sure if I was just trying to put myself to sleep or I flustered over the existence of an external force which prompted me to grab that repose pencil.

Or perhaps, it was just an effect of booze coming in. Oh maybe yes, it was.

A. The picture above does not look like exactly how I wanted it to be. I tried to sketch the lamp on the desk. But it doesn't even look like one, does it? That's how abstract I am. #hahaha #excuses

B. I apologize for my extraterrestrial handwriting, but in a more fathomable transcription, it actually reads:

It's an unknown mystery

When coldness comes closely

And you're all alone

Left with a potential fear

The bright light knocks on you

Trying to measure how welcome it is

It's cold, it's silent

It's unpredictable, it's dangerous

Why? Why does fear have to tag along?

When all you want to see

When all you want to fear

Is its deafening possibility

You're left with a sweet ambiguity

Perplexed in a caressing labyrinth

You ask yourself,

Is it red or blue? Black or white?

Then closing windows enter in

But with doors left unlocked

What to do? What to dream?

If I wake up, how are we supposed to see?

---- And as I type it, I want to make revisions. I honestly do. I didn't give this piece a second glance after finishing it at that wee hour. Because all I can remember is my drowsiness trying to knock me out, and the coldness embracing me. I'm pretty sure that there were words in my mind at that time I thought I was writing down. But apparently, I did not. Hell yeah, I was physically and mentally exhausted. Boozy. Wasted.

(So to remember and preserve that feeling from that very moment, even in protest of the not-so-very-and-trying-hard-grammar-nazi in me, I will not change, nor add a word in this.)

I hit the sack at that second I thought it was beginning to feel like I was melting in an ice-cold room where only a whispering melody from a distance was the only capable thing that can gradually overpower a frantic, disturbing moment. Yet no more words -- I did not like to comprehend. I went to bed.

And that's the end.

A Self-Pronounced Annoying Emo

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I am yet again having one of those nights when I can hardly put myself to sleep -- I end up singing to random songs of instrumental versions in Youtube, endlessly dreaming I could write and sing my own song someday.

This just hit me:

Why in the world have I become like this? I've grown into a forlorn being -- someone who is most of the time pessimistic, impatient, and emotionally irrational. These do not -- in any way -- show maturity for a 22-year-old lady to handle things light and easy. *deep sigh*

I've noticed that there has always been a tinge of darkness in things I write or even think about. WHY? 

Oh boy, this is alarming. I might die young. Yes, I would probably die young if I would keep killing my time moving and turning around in a small, confined four-marked border in the center stage, immersing myself in the unknown shadows. I need to do something about this, I know.

Last Sunday, I went to serve. I knew from the very start that something was wrong -- I would disappoint. I buckled. It didn't feel good thereafter. I felt sorry. To God, I apologized.  

In no surprise though, I did not miss the chance to get noticed by my co-lector, Ms. Tina. She caught me sinking on my own when she asked me. Then she said, "Sige, I'll pray for you." Hours later, I received a short inspiring text message from my other co-lector whom I also shared service with that day. I had no idea if she simply knew I was going through something or Ms.Tina told her about our encounter. Nevertheless, her message made my heart smile a bit.

Likewise, several times it did happen when a friend would message me and ask if I was OK. All the more so, others would spontaneously say, "Bakit parang ang tahimik mo 'ata?" "Bakit parang ang init ng ulo mo?" "Uy, si Ekai parang ang tahimik ha?" (I'm referring even to those whom I do not share intimate friendship with.)

And here's what my defensive ego has to say: It's quite irritating. What do you care anyway? What's difficult about these people is that they get used to see me happy -- very happy -- it restrains me from wanting to stay quiet at times I would just like to enjoy serenity. It appears to me that silence should never be my choice. Hey, how unfair is that for me?

But when my (real and close) friends come to notice and ask me the same thing -- I can't help but to be boldly honest to myself. I think that whenever they start to feel my indifference, my eyes betray me and speak the truth on behalf of my muffled tongue. What they see isn't merely another episode of a mood swing attack but that something is bothering me. And no matter how I try to conceal it, I just get really transparent. Again I ask myself, WHY? Why can people see through me as clear as water?

A. My friends know me very well even to bits and pieces. 

B. I am so dear to my friends, they get affected and worried.

C. They are so great, they simply know how to read people.

D. Some people are just so intrusive and gossipy, they got skills.

E. I simply do not know how to hide and control emotions.

Answer: All of the above? HAHA.

My heart always gets moved by my friends' sweet gestures of concern. But now, I'm worried that I might become an annoying attention-seeker, and that people around me would grow tired of understanding me. I fear of getting fed up and giving up on myself as well. I don't want those things to happen. I could not just die and drop dead without someone to catch me from behind.

AND SO...

As part of my action plan, I'll sleep this off and conclude everything with a prayer, because Papa God whispered to me just now:

Happiness is everywhere. You just have to find it yourself. My child, you have to look around. Your life is my gift, do not waste it. Smile, laugh, sing, and dance. Do not be sad. Besides, I AM HERE. I should be above everything else, right? Put me in the core of your heart, and you'll surely find peace and eternal happiness. You'll never feel alone with me.

Whew! Am I crazy? No. Papa God did say that and He embraced me.

OK. This has to end. I will try my best to be more positive in everything when I wake up. (Yeah, I'll do that instantly. I'll make it possible overnight. Haha.)

So, good night. ♥

I Fell in Love.

She got jitters during the last stretch of that day when she wasn't clearly seeing how everything would end. Her spirit was jumping and saying, "Hey, come what may!" Yes, she didn't see it coming.

The next thing she knew, she opened her eyes to the peeking rays of Mr. Sun as it cracked the dawn, and embraced the welcoming cold breeze in Aurora. It was certainly a way better wake-up experience than the ones she always gets in Manila.

As she set foot on the new locale, she felt spontaneous. She felt light. She was floating in midair. It was a beginning of yet another story.

She did not come to travel alone. She had company -- a great bunch -- whom she knew were as adventurous as she was. Yes, she was not traveling alone but she was having another personal undertaking -- her soul was in lust to discover, to try new things, and to break the rules.

It was a long haul before she reached the top. The journey was not easy at all. She could remember every detail then.

The rock-strewn road shook every tiny bit of her. The scenic horizons agonized her soul as it augmented the fact that she was powerless to seize time. Boulders hurdled her path in a very natural and beautiful way, and insignificantly pained her as she got her feet caught in between for several times. She held hands she avoided from the very beginning, bringing unknown currents through her veins, currents beyond those of the flowing river. She carried weight and burdened herself with even more. She took it the hard way and embraced the pain of it. She let the scorching heat envelope her -- with open arms, she wanted to be completely covered. She enjoyed every second she stumbled -- laughed her heart out as she was in another phase of rediscovering herself.

 But at that moment when she stepped onto the zenith of the journey, where she finally reached the very goal of her trip, all the arduous trekking made it even priceless. Her joy was overflowing. It was the sweetest prize. This was all that she was left saying: Oh, thank You, God!

Ditumabo Falls in Baler, Aurora

She was in panic deep inside. She knew not what to do first. She satisfied herself with the visual treat of nature for a while. She savored the moment. Then she dipped her foot into the natural pool. It was surprisingly very cold but it was no reason to stop her from diving in.

She could not get too close to the raging water as it both delivered her extreme happiness and fear -- happiness for its radiating extraordinary beauty and fear for its dangerous power of swallowing her wholly.

So she simply gratified herself in a corner, leaned over a boulder. She closed her eyes, prayed and thanked God. She closed her eyes and saw nothing but a light of rainbow hues. It was an empty space of bright light she did not want to vanish. The nature's noise was music to her ears. She did not want the melody to end. She was feeling every millisecond the cold water was touching her. She boldly set her face in front of the falling water letting the sprinkles hit her every pore. She felt the running water driving away her stagnant life. Its rage was rippling down her spine and chilled every nerve alive. She was at peace, and her heart was in ecstasy. At one point, she lived and died at the same time. It was love.

She cried. She cried in joy, in gratitude, and in pain. It was an overwhelming dream in reality. She cried her heart out: Thank You, God!

But as how an adage says it, every little good thing must come to an end. Reality has to set in.

With all those fantasies and magic she was about to believe in, we had to fuse again. I had to destroy the moment. I was the one who fell in love. I fell in love and had my heart shattered into pieces shortly after that wonderful feeling. I did not want to be apart from such euphoric and heavenly state.

I was left with nothing but hope to reach that moment again -- where dreamland becomes tangible and life runs dynamically as the falling water.

It hurt me as I turned my back from my transitory paradise. But now, I look forward to the day of seeing it again.

And falling in love with it one more time. ♥

Love on a Friday

It was Thursday afternoon when the wind whipped past by me and took my happiness away.

Xhy started ignoring me. I got vulnerable and porous enough to absorb her contagious grumpiness. And it was only later I learned from Laiza why she was acting that way -- because I was too unmovable, she got disappointed and frustrated after I repeatedly turned her down on a Baler trip. And still I paid no attention. I couldn't care less. It was still my choice anyway. I did not want to go. What do they care? (Yeah, I know. I was being a stubborn little brat.)

I wasn't really feeling up and alive since then. It was past midnight when I had a little chat with my colleague-friends. We were initially talking about something (err.. someone?) when my honey Jam posted a picture that triggered an underlying tension amid the conversation. It just made me feel worse so I had to quit. I decided to just sleep it off wishing I'd feel better when I wake up.

JUNE 30.

Unfortunately, Mr. Sun wasn't powerful enough to get a grip on me. It was payday. I wanted to just loaf around the whole day. I was feeling very idle. I still went to work though.

But little did I know that I would be having my heart B-R-O-K-E-N on a Friday. </3

I stayed anxiously quiet the whole day at work with a looooot of things preoccupying my mind. Xhy was still ignoring me. And Jam, surprisingly did not even bother to say hello. What's wrong with my honey? :'(

Evening came. It was this message I saw while I was getting the nightly scripts done.

And a frappe, with a little note on a tissue was delivered to me shortly after I read that text message.

AND MY HEART JUST MELTED AWAY! Oh, God --  I got weak on my knees! They swept me off my feet! >insert tantrums here<

Jam and I had to talk over the phone to clear things up. She got a little jealous over... never mind. But uuhh... wasn't that sweet, eh? :') I did blush within. Hihi. ♥

Xhy could not resist either. Hey, I AM her baby sister after all. Haha. She loves me so much, she just knows how to get me. Yeah, right. :D You won this time, Xhy. ♥

Well, behind all these things (or should I say petty quarrels?) was my dear Laiza who stayed beside me and helped me get through a tough Friday. She reminded me, "Tignan mo, ang daming nagmamahal sayo. Kaya wag ka na ma-sad." Our friendship and understanding went beyond than I expected. Haha. Thank you and I love you, BebeLai. ♥

And yes, I think I have to thank Elmer too. For the record, he was very consistent and persistent enough to convince me to join the trip. He used his charming ways and jests to get me. Haha! He did everything in my favor. Bravo, Elmer! Bravo. :) Thank you. If it wasn't for you as well, I would not dream of going back to that heavenly place in Baler.


Above everything else, I could not stop thanking You, Papa God! ♥ I felt Your love through my friends. Thank You. Thank You for making me feel soooo loved. Thank You for making things possible for me. Thank You for reminding me how to love the people around me. Thank You, thank You. I love You too, Papa God.

I got really overwhelmed. THANK YOU. Cheers to a happy Friday! :) More to come! Yey!