LOL!

When tears shed from your eyes and you can't dig up the exact reason why, how would you call yourself?

Crazy, perhaps.

Tonight, I had a very good laugh. And I think it was overdone that's why I ended up crying as well. Thanks to my dear friend Elmer, who never fails to feed us with his daily punch of jests. What's actually funny about him is that he, himself cannot stand up to his own jokes. Sometimes, he would start laughing yet without finishing his intended pun. (But oh, I'm worse. My laughter comes ahead of my joke.)

And since I am a person who can hardly move on from something very hilarious, I can continually laugh or just suddenly burst out laughing even hours after a joke was cracked or a funny thing happened.

Still up to this moment, I cannot help but laugh as it hits me over and over. Earlier, Elmer was trying to convince me to join in their Baler trip on Friday. When I firmly said, "No" he acted hurt, sulked in the corner and faked his loud sobs. In the end, we just couldn't stop laughing -- to make it more difficult, we had to do it in restraint.

Moments like this makes me feel more than grateful. I can't help but be emotionally happy. Tears begin to form around the corner of my eyes waiting to drop freely and then I agitate inside wondering where I am really coming from. Then that's where my conclusion of me becoming crazy comes in. Whew! (Though at times it appears to be strongly possible, I still know it is diagnostically false.) But believe me, I enjoy crying when I laugh too much. It feels reeaaaaally goooood. :)

What I'm sure right now is that I cannot list all the minutiae I have in mind. They come in random, in mixed importance. I'm going through something I cannot closely delineate. My mind has a concoction of thoughts and jumbled words of concerns.

I cannot fix them all at once, or perhaps resolve them one by one. But when life allows me to laugh my heart out, even so I get crazy, I always thank God for making me happy. Because above all the dancing letters and topsy-turvy words rattling inside my brain is no one but my Lord holding my heart in rest. ♥

Thank You Papa God for the gift of laughter. :')
Thank You very muuuuuch! 

It's No Fun On A Swing

Vacillate.

If there is one thing that I consistently do, it is to vacillate.

If I may speak in jest, yes, it is a habit. But no -- it has been my sickness.

Everyday before going to work, I would think of what to wear. I would try something on, then suddenly shrug it off. It would take time before I can really decide what to wear. At work, we always have the same question when hunger strikes, "Anong kakainin/bibilhin mo?" I also have the same answer, "Hindi ko alam kung ano." These are only few of the daily questions I battle to answer, small problems I struggle to resolve. And it sucks not to know how to simply choose.

Likewise for the past days, two of my friends are consistently persuading me -- and bribing me as well -- to join their Baler trip this coming Friday. Though it has long been planned, I keep on refusing since I am psychologically, physically, and financially not ready. I was one of those who earlier planned for our original getaway trip, which was actually compromised for some reason so I pulled myself out. Yes, my friends can't help but complain about my backing-out-in-the-last-minute attitude. I want to go with them -- but I can't.

I remember my college days when I had tough times in between, standing in the brink of giving up during those four years of hauling within the scholastic pillars of Adamson with the hope of turning out to be "someone" if not to realistically become a great catalyst of change. I remember those times when life called on me to make a choice and decide -- it heavily enervated me. I wouldn't likely be able to make it through those times if not for my loving family and friends who helped me narrow down my options and pushed me to do and go for the things I really wanted -- because I was too weak to decide on my own.

Those who know me from a superficial surface of this world cannot attest to my indecisiveness, pessimism, and timidity. On a cursory level, a friend would not know how long it would take me to shop, (it's a given sickness for girls but I think mine's a terrible case), how restless I become with things I want and I need to do, how fidgety I become when waiting, and how inferior I am when in doubt. But people who know me to bits and pieces would probably want to whack my head when wavering attacks and then I back out.

All these I'm saying because something hit me today. A friend was insisting, "No, seriously. Career talk."

I had to shy away from it. I always do. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I sometimes think that whenever I am commended for something, (and I do not acknowledge it) especially when it comes to my writing, my inferiority complex is mistaken for my arrogance. But I cannot think of ways on how I can genuinely address that I seriously do not have enough confidence to believe.

It really sucks to be a little girl in a playground, alone on a swing, swinging back and forth, with or without someone behind to push me; a girl who in no way can go elsewhere unless I take risk, lose my grip, and try other things.

Why in the world do I get tired of this sickness and yet do nothing to cure it? This is ridiculous. No, I am ridiculous.

Unless I learn how to simplify life and not to exacerbate things, choose and decide not to falter, I would stay where I am today and lead to nowhere. 

Lost.

The only thing standing between me and happiness is reality.

It's high time to change routes
To gear up and find my way back
Turn to more serious matters
Without trying to kill my daily joy

I've been losing my grip
Without me realizing that I really am
I've been focusing on you, and on this and that
But see, I'm in a wrong depth of field

I got too overwhelmed with all of these
I lost sight of how the clock ticks
Everything steps a little closer
I can't see what's going on

Yes, I am within the me-generation
But if I am self-absorbed,
What do I really mean?
In a world where happiness is subjective

This theory of getting myself out from absurdity
Should I, will I find the real thing?
This transitory and loving euphoria comes to an end
Let me find myself, oh dear friend.

Oh My Crush --- I'm crushed!

Why do I jitter whenever you're near?

My hands sweat when I hold you. It wasn't like that before.

When I see you smile, my heart skips a beat.

Just the sight of you, oh just a sight of you... my day is complete.

Your dark brown eyes -- they mesmerize me.

With just one look, my soul surrenders.

This joy is feverish, it's weakening.

You make me submit to your demands.

I love it when we fight and argue on simple things.

I love it when you are at helm, you insist, but I still win.

I love hearing you laugh. I love seeing you happy.

I love talking to you. You are just so fun to be with.

But I can't tell you all of these things. It will ruin everything.

We're friends. We can't be more than that.

And we'll leave it like that. Just like that.

No questions asked. Case closed.

Though I still have this little hope in my heart,

I won't try, I won't ask -- I'm paralyzed by rules.

I just have to cope with letting it all go.

Don't worry. Surely, this will all end with a dead pink rose.