A Self-Pronounced Annoying Emo

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I am yet again having one of those nights when I can hardly put myself to sleep -- I end up singing to random songs of instrumental versions in Youtube, endlessly dreaming I could write and sing my own song someday.

This just hit me:

Why in the world have I become like this? I've grown into a forlorn being -- someone who is most of the time pessimistic, impatient, and emotionally irrational. These do not -- in any way -- show maturity for a 22-year-old lady to handle things light and easy. *deep sigh*

I've noticed that there has always been a tinge of darkness in things I write or even think about. WHY? 

Oh boy, this is alarming. I might die young. Yes, I would probably die young if I would keep killing my time moving and turning around in a small, confined four-marked border in the center stage, immersing myself in the unknown shadows. I need to do something about this, I know.

Last Sunday, I went to serve. I knew from the very start that something was wrong -- I would disappoint. I buckled. It didn't feel good thereafter. I felt sorry. To God, I apologized.  

In no surprise though, I did not miss the chance to get noticed by my co-lector, Ms. Tina. She caught me sinking on my own when she asked me. Then she said, "Sige, I'll pray for you." Hours later, I received a short inspiring text message from my other co-lector whom I also shared service with that day. I had no idea if she simply knew I was going through something or Ms.Tina told her about our encounter. Nevertheless, her message made my heart smile a bit.

Likewise, several times it did happen when a friend would message me and ask if I was OK. All the more so, others would spontaneously say, "Bakit parang ang tahimik mo 'ata?" "Bakit parang ang init ng ulo mo?" "Uy, si Ekai parang ang tahimik ha?" (I'm referring even to those whom I do not share intimate friendship with.)

And here's what my defensive ego has to say: It's quite irritating. What do you care anyway? What's difficult about these people is that they get used to see me happy -- very happy -- it restrains me from wanting to stay quiet at times I would just like to enjoy serenity. It appears to me that silence should never be my choice. Hey, how unfair is that for me?

But when my (real and close) friends come to notice and ask me the same thing -- I can't help but to be boldly honest to myself. I think that whenever they start to feel my indifference, my eyes betray me and speak the truth on behalf of my muffled tongue. What they see isn't merely another episode of a mood swing attack but that something is bothering me. And no matter how I try to conceal it, I just get really transparent. Again I ask myself, WHY? Why can people see through me as clear as water?

A. My friends know me very well even to bits and pieces. 

B. I am so dear to my friends, they get affected and worried.

C. They are so great, they simply know how to read people.

D. Some people are just so intrusive and gossipy, they got skills.

E. I simply do not know how to hide and control emotions.

Answer: All of the above? HAHA.

My heart always gets moved by my friends' sweet gestures of concern. But now, I'm worried that I might become an annoying attention-seeker, and that people around me would grow tired of understanding me. I fear of getting fed up and giving up on myself as well. I don't want those things to happen. I could not just die and drop dead without someone to catch me from behind.

AND SO...

As part of my action plan, I'll sleep this off and conclude everything with a prayer, because Papa God whispered to me just now:

Happiness is everywhere. You just have to find it yourself. My child, you have to look around. Your life is my gift, do not waste it. Smile, laugh, sing, and dance. Do not be sad. Besides, I AM HERE. I should be above everything else, right? Put me in the core of your heart, and you'll surely find peace and eternal happiness. You'll never feel alone with me.

Whew! Am I crazy? No. Papa God did say that and He embraced me.

OK. This has to end. I will try my best to be more positive in everything when I wake up. (Yeah, I'll do that instantly. I'll make it possible overnight. Haha.)

So, good night. ♥