I will never consider myself as an excommunicated being - whether at times by chance or by choice - for I truly know that I am a well-loved person. I got friends, and the best of them too. Although admittedly, there are times that I would prefer doing certain things on my own. I'm sure you know the feeling of being independent, wanting not to be disturbed, proving you can do something, and realizing that you can be more productive when you're alone. The truth is, being alone sometimes feels good.
Just as yesterday when I determinedly walked out of the house to see a movie alone again, (the first time I did it was because I selfishly didn't want anyone to be "kilig" for Toni Gonzaga but me and only me. Haha.) a friend of mine wanted to see the movie too so she tagged along. (See? I told you I got friends. What can I say, I'm loved.) We watched a local romantic comedy film entitled Unofficially Yours where John Lloyd Cruz portrayed a guy who fell in love with the kind of aloof character of Angel Locsin. And the usual formula happened in the movie where the guy met the girl, they had lovely moments together, they fell in love, a problem occurred, they resolved it, and then came the happily-ever-after ending everyone always wanted to see.
While watching the movie, we kept on noticing everything about Angel Locsin - from the color and style of her hair, down to her flashy red high-heeled shoes - for being amazed by how she carried herself and for wanting to imitate her as well. However, I was secretly pondering on how I was seeing myself in her character. The girl was a little emotionally distant. She set a boundary and had the guy agree to just a shallow, casual, sexual relationship. And it only appeared that it was fear that what hindered her from taking their relationship seriously. Yes, she had a strong feminine character. She had a family but she acted tough, independent, alone but lonely.
And since I'm a person who is most of the time unpredictable because I can be in both extremes, I'm now a little uncertain of where I stand. I have a long list of the things I want to accomplish. And I can clearly see the things I need to do on my own. These are my goals. And honestly, wanting for or having a lover is not in my list. My best friend actually asked me about it, "How do you see yourself in the future?" And I told her that I couldn't foresee myself being married, or being in a relationship at least. Isn't it a little selfish? I want self-actualization. And for now, I want to do things alone.
Contrary to this, I have been open for quite a while that I'm also waiting for a "special someone" in my life. When it's me turning into a hopeless romantic, I'd openly tell my friends that I want to be in a relationship again, unconsciously thinking if I earnestly mean what I say and if I really am and completely ready for it.
Fear would perpetually be present in me, and I know that I have to religiously try to overcome them everyday. The first I had was a traumatic experience. And until now, I have been living with its legacy: a great wall was built from such era and it's barring the chances in front of me and still, I have been opting not to break the ground all this time.
Being in a relationship means taking a great risk of getting hurt big time just for the sake of your happiness. And as for me, I won't deny - I want to be loved again by someone whom I would love in return. But there are things I still want to do and I still need to finish. And having a relationship at the same time wouldn't help me to make it happen.
Today, I want to be in a relationship. And most probably tomorrow, I would drain away such thought and would go on happily living my life as it is right now. See how bipolar I am?
And for you my soon-to-be-partner-or-lover, I'm sorry but it's still unofficial. I unofficially want to be yours.
♥♥♥
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