The Curse of A Father

I was writing something else when something came up.

After praying the rosary, Mama suddenly called for us. I thought that it would be again one of those mom-is-in-the-mood-to-calmly-reprimand-us nights so I wasn't really jittery. But I'm pretty sure that both my sisters, Aika and Faye felt uneasy and wondered if they did something worth reprimanding today. And I actually thought that they will be scolded. But it turned out to be something off the usual.

She asked us to pray for Papa.

I felt the seriousness of the moment. She told us something we all should have known long before. It was all about the reason behind Papa's habit of cursing. It was his past. His past kept hunting him. And she told us that it was only last night that Papa shared those things with her. (I’m opting not to write ALL those things in details.)

As on how my own psychological comprehension would define it, it was simple -- my father was, and is still a mad person.

Papa had no one to lean on to during those times he was growing up. He learned to be independent since he was separated from his family – from his twin brother and eight other siblings, and yes, from his parents. He was raised into the care of his grandfather and aunts, where he felt less of a family. Everything was measured and limited. Going beyond those measures instantly rewarded him a curse. He was confined in a “cursing” environment. He had no one to channel out all his feelings and so he was left keeping everything to himself.

                                     
     

The discussion made us all understand where Papa is coming from and realize what he really needs. He needs us. He needs his family’s help and cooperation. But most importantly, he needs to help himself. The good thing I learned was that Papa is actually aware of it.

Mom told us that our father would not want us to experience what he went through. Apparently, I think how it is going right now is contrary to how he wants it to happen. I hear him curse. Worse is in a sudden change of temper, his “cursing” gets real over some petty matters. Consequently, we, his children would most likely adopt such behavior.

As much as possible, we still heed our family’s NO CURSING policy. You wouldn’t hear us curse (except for Papa) at home. Although I have this gut feeling that my sister Faye curses when she is out of the borderline and that I know that she thinks that I also do, we still control the urge. I HATE myself when I curse. It has always been my problem ever since I learned how to say bad words. To do away with such manner is a struggle most especially when there is no way I could express myself but to curse. In fact, I usually ask a friend to remind me or to just slap my lips whenever they’ll hear me curse. Moreover, I’ve put “NO BAD WORDS” in my phone’s home screen so I will surely be reminded -- but it’s really disappointing that I’m quite failing myself since I have pledge this for Lent.

I am certainly having difficulty fighting my urge to curse. It’s a struggle. But how more difficult it is for my father? When he is living with all those crushing memories which trigger him to just curse? He is entrapped in his own madness and I feel for him. I love my father and I want to help him.

He appears tough and strong before us. I didn’t quite expect that he is going through something like this. Right now, all I want to do is to run to Papa and give him a very BIG hug that only her eldest princess can give. ♥