There is a Secret in a Labyrinth of Randomness

I have not realized the time.

It’s half past two o’clock in the morning, and I still have to wake up early later.

But I can’t sleep.

This is very random. I’ll share you my thoughts right at this moment.

1.             I just ate a pack of Nacho chips paired with mayo dip.

2.             I hate my eating habits.

3.             I’m drinking lychee-flavored green tea with real aloe vera bits, and it tastes awesome.

4.             I hope it won’t trigger my acid reflux.

5.             I suddenly want cookies.

6.             I have a crush.

7.             I’ve been thinking about my crush.

8.            Now playing: “Of all the things I ever wanna do, I think I'll start and end with loving you” Of All The Things by Dennis Lambert

9.            Next song: Brown Eyes by Destiny’s Child

10.       Later, I need to bring seven salted eggs and tomatoes.

11.        I’m excited for the “picnic”.

12.        I’m sad.

13.        I’m stressed.

14.        I’m awake because of the cup of coffee I had earlier.

15.        I want a vacation.

16.        I want to go hiking.

17.        Ela Teodosio owes me that Mt.Maculot trip. :/

(just a google picture. credits to the owner.)

18.        I’ll eat ice cream tomorrow.

19.        I was touched when my siblings called earlier.

20.       They all made lambing, but mom kept quiet.

21.        Each of them said “I love you Ate!” --- that was so rare.

22.        The chips and drinks cost me P302.00. 

These were the requested pasalubongs.

23.        I’m starting to feel sleepy.

24.        But I feel like vomiting. Another acid reflux episode? Oh no.

25.        I miss talking to someone worth talking to.

26.        What I mean of “talk” is a “real talk”.

27.         I just can’t say who my crush is.

28.        Hahaha, this is crazy!

29.        I need a date.

30.        I need a friend.

31.         OMG, I’m needy??? Yikes!

32.        I still can’t write the Part II of my Part I. (One Week Diary: Glad to be Sleepless)

33.        I’m starting to feel really sleepy.

34.        I’m the only one awake here.

35.        I wonder how my best friends are. Where are you guys?

36.        I don’t like how **** tells irrelevant stories. You think we’re learning? PFT.

37.        I think **** and **** are starting to annoy me. (In some ways.. whew!)

38.       I miss drinking SOFTDRINKS.

39.       BUT HELL! I’m so not giving into the temptation!!!

40.       I’m struggling to get rid of saying bad words as my expressions! But it’s just sooooo difficult like… @1!!#%^&&*/’;@@!!!

41.       I like you.

42.       I love you.

43.       I miss you.

44.        When will I get what I want?

45.        Should I stay or not?

46.        Where’s the motivation? I got lost in the way.

47.         It’s three in the morning. Good morning. Happy (?) Thursday!

48.        Greed. Envy. Jealousy.

49.        Anger. I’m a mad person you know.

50.        I like to vacillate. No, I don’t like it. But it’s just really a part of me.

51.         I want to sing and dance.

52.        I want to perform again. Or host an event.

53.        My skills are deteriorating. My brain is getting rotten. SHOOT! :'(

54.        I want to learn. I want to travel.

55.        I want to travel and learn.

56.        I want to meet Pope Francis.

57.        I want to have a picture with Toni Gonzaga.

58.        I should have tried courting someone a long time ago.

59.        That would be fun! Haha.

60.        Sometimes, I’m gay.

61.         I want to sing and make someone feel “kilig” whenever I do. LOLS.

62.         I will watch a movie ALONE again, but when??

63.         It’s Lent and I think I’ve made no effort on anything. :’(

64.         My NO SOFTDRINKS policy is not enough as my sacrifice this Lent, I know. I’m sorry   Papa God.

65.        But I love You Lord. I can’t wait to spend my Holy Week with You!

66.        I need to rest my heart, mind, and soul.

67.        I’m happy with the flow of my thoughts right now but generally not with how things are in my life.. (BOOM.)

68.        It’s this hashtag I-Like-You-I-Just-Cant-Tell-You-It-Will-Ruin-Everything. 

69.         I need a hug.

70.         I need the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

71.         Summer’s here. Damn, it’s hot. The beach is so unreachable at this moment.

72.        Where is our splice?

73.        My playlist makes my room a bit of a melancholic cave.

74.        I want to cut my hair. But I want it long too.

75.        I’m a bi-po-lar.

76.        I understand it won’t be all at once but someday, I’ll have it all.

77.         I’m always under construction.

78.         I want to paint my room again.

79.         Now playing: Power of Two by Indigo girls

80.         I’m trembling whenever I think of it.

81.         It doesn’t make me happy.

82.         I want more money.

83.         I need to save money. I’m actually broke.

84.        Chocolate makes me happy. Simple joy it is.

85.        Ice cream will complete a “date.”

86.         I love surprises.

87.         Actually, everything will depend on my mood.

88.         ♫♪ “There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart.” ♪♫

89.         ♫♪”Break it to me gently, when you have to say good bye.” ♪♫

90.         ♥♥♥

91.        This is all random. I better sleep in a while.

92.        No questions, case closed.

93.        I want to play a game... again.

  

94.       I’m excited to try threading next week!

95.       It’s Holy Week next week. I’ll have more Me-Time and Church-Time.

96 .       I’ll have another hotel reservation maybe … next year. :P

97.       I need to buy white shirts. The heat of summer is just driving me crazy.

98.       Have you read between the lines? Hope you did. :)

99.       Where will all these things end? Where will I end?

100.    It will always be with You, My Lord.

It's half past four o'clock in the morning.

Time to sleep. Good night. See you in  my dreams! ♥

Part I: One Week Diary: Glad to be Sleepless

I will be in my usual talkative me today as I share stories from the loaded week I just had.

(I know my friends always complain of how dragging it becomes whenever they listen to my very detailed stories. I’m sorry. But I’ll try to make this one brief.)

Thank me, for I can’t remember what happened last Monday. So let’s jump to Tuesday.

Tuesday, March 11, 2013 - Wednesday, March 12, 2013

It was the first day of the conclave at Vatican City where 115 cardinals gathered to elect a new pope. Prior to this, we, the night shift staff were already advised to stay later than 11 p.m. to cover the event. From this, we coined ourselves “Team Conclave”.

We had to go on air at 11:30 pm and at 2 a.m. so we forced ourselves to keep our droopy eyes open and wide awake. Three pandesals, paired with mango jam, coco jam, and peanut butter, plus two sachets of coffee were generously given by the company to compensate our vigilance. (Surprisingly, and yes a good thing, Cal’s mom was generous enough to send us food – lasagna with garlic bread, sandwiches, brownies, and bottles of Coke. It made me think if we were actually working or… partying? Haha.)

I was all hyped up by the time we were on air. They were all thinking the brownies had something to do with it, but actually, I only had two bites of a small piece.

Anyway, it was already past 2 a.m. when as expected, black smoke billowed from the chimney of the Sistine chapel. No pope was elected. Hence, we would have to cover the conclave again the next day.

Wednesday, March 12, 2013 – Thursday, March 14, 2013

I was able to pray the rosary on the way home through a radio station I tuned in to at past four o’clock in the morning. Thanks to Mellow 94.7! I reached home at five o’clock, and was able to sleep at around six.

I woke up at 11 a.m. and I intentionally went to work an hour late. It was still early in the afternoon but I was already feeling exhausted, though inside, excited for yet another vigil.

Evening came when all of us were gradually becoming groggier, and groggier.

It was past 10 p.m. when I spotted someone sleeping on a couch. (He was so cute at his curled up fetal position I could not resist stealing a picture of him.)  The writers were all content napping on their desks with their faces covered up, while others were just randomly surfing the net. These scenarios were understandable because it was our second night to stay and work until past midnight.

It was in the wee hours of Thursday when suddenly, and maybe due to real boredom had we decided to have a little playtime. Three of the writers ended up singing and dancing to old and really baduy songs.  I acted as their manager saying I would ask a potential client (a role played by our producer) to see if they could be sent to Sabah and be qualified as the “Royal Entertainers” of the Kirams’ “Royal Army”.  We were just crazy! :))

(From L to R: Kris, Ela, Queen, Cal, Tin, Xhy, Niña)

We decided to eat when we felt drowsy again. (And for the record, Cal’s mom did send us food again – this time, we had spaghetti with garlic bread, and turkey slices. Whoa!)

Our producer advised us that we would go on air at 2:15 a.m. It was 2:04 in my watch and I was still idle. I got up on my seat to go to the wash room to pee and freshen up when all of a sudden…

 I heard screams of “White Smoooke! White smoke!”

We all then rushed to the control room to go on air and break the news! (My urge to pee got halted by those screams! Whew!)

HABEMUS PAPAM!

Then the rest was history. The feeling was GREAT! Working overtime and witnessing a phenomenon unfold was very overwhelming. I was feeling my religion, my faith.  My heart was celebrating. The whole world was celebrating. The whole world was waiting for the appearance of the new supreme pontiff. The thrill of waiting finally ended when,

Lo and behold! Pope Francis came out, waving his hand to say Hello, World!

** Pope Francis, born Jorge Mario Bergoglio, of Latin America was elected new pope of the Roman Catholic Church. Here’s a link to a Reuter’s article about Pope Francis. 

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/03/16/us-pope-poor-idUSBRE92F05P20130316

Though I know that most of the Filipinos were fervently praying it would be our very own Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle elected as pope, I still believe that God has blessed the whole world with a very promising vicar of Christ. Thank You, God.

I went home with a very happy and a prayerful heart. We all did a good job! Kudos Team Conclave! I again prayed the rosary on the bus with the help of the same radio station I tuned in to. I was tired, but I was deeply overjoyed. I was praying incessantly at that moment.

Everything was just religiously amazing.

(Photo credits to Pocholo Felix.)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

The coverage concluded at quarter to 4 a.m. Funny thing was some of the “Team Conclave” went to work way too late than the must. They came to work having enjoyed their nine hours of sleep. I didn’t have the guts to do such thing even if I wanted to. Others contented themselves with at least four hours.

The newsroom was filled with stories from the coverage of events to the headlines the whole day. But the important thing was, we had all our minds set that this day, finally, we would go home at the regular time we should. Yehey! :)

But contrary to the overruling happiness of things, I saw danger before me when I was on the way home. The bus got boarded in by thieves, one sat beside me. I realized and recognized them and their scheme after they got out of the bus. Thank God, I was safe, no one got hurt, and they got nothing from me.

As soon as I got home, I told mom about it. She asked me what happened, but really gave no significant remark. Instead, she asked me if I could accompany my youngest sister Krista, 6, to her graduation the next day, for she has an important seminar to attend to.

I was like… “WHAT? I won’t be able to get ENOUGH sleep again???”

But of course, I did not say that out loud. I obediently said with a weary smile, “Ok.”

Ouch. *deep sigh*

Friday, March 15, 2013

I woke up to the loud knocking on my door. I heard my sister Aika calling me. I idly got up and literally dragged myself to take a bath. It was already late. My mom and Krista, who was all dressed up but with no makeup on had to go ahead of me.

When I arrived at Krista’s school, I substituted mom and let her attend to her work. From a distance, I saw Krista restless on her seat. How I pity my baby sister. Her hair wasn't even well done. My dad only dropped by to take a picture with her because he still had to fetch my grandmother from a dialysis session.

And since I was left all alone to be in charge, with all my faded energy and heavy eyes, I sweetly asked my sister out. She joyfully said yes, and told me she wanted to go to Jollibee. So we went to SM Sucat.

SIDEBAR:

While eating…

Me:        Krista, bakit hindi ikaw yung nag-lead nung kanta niyo kanina?

   Siguro hindi ka nagrerecite sa class ninyo ‘no?

Krista:   *defensively and loudly* Nagrerecite kaya ako!!!

                Ate, ano ba yung recite??

…And I almost burst out to laughter. :D

Moments like this always drive me nostalgic. Krista will always be my baby even when she grows up to be a lady just like all her ate's. I was drained and worn out. But I didn't mind. I would even spend all my hours to hang out and play with her just like this if I could. Thank God, I had this time with Krista. 

Anyway, I really intended to go to SM Sucat hoping I could also buy rechargeable batteries. Since it was payday, I tried to withdraw from the ATM. Unfortunately, no salary yet. What disappointing news on a Payday Friday!

I still had enough time to prepare for work when we arrived home. I started the day early, and I know I would end it late.  So yes, I braced myself for a really long day.

It was quite an ordinary day at work. By dinner time, I decided to have a little bit of me-time instead of joining my friends. I used my one-hour break to stroll in a nearby mall. I knew what to do: buy rechargeable batteries for my camera and pastries for dinner, and shop for my early pilgrimage the next day.

I was enjoying my time until I went back to the office. It was quarter before we go on air for our nightly newscast, and still the line up was not yet final. My nerves were cracking. I knew this would happen. The news anchor was a substitute and so it compromised the printing of scripts. I couldn't ask help from my partner because he was already coordinating something else. My panic button had been pressed, my siren was screaming. I started rushing and running. The next minute, I tripped. 

When I finally sat down to operate the teleprompter, I found myself gasping. My producer knew very well why I was in such state. (Ehem.) After the show, I realized, I haven’t even finished eating my bread. Whew! Oh, poor me.

If only at the moment I was walking home could I say to myself, “Makakatulog na ako sa wakas!”

I sadly killed the thought. I still had to prepare my things for tomorrow’s pilgrimage.

It was already 1 a.m. There would be a mass at 5 a.m. before departure. I was hopeless. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore. It would be dangerous even if I’d take a nap.

But I was dying to sleep. I was already too tired to function. So I left my traveling bag empty, and set my alarm to 3:30 a.m.

Then I dozed off. Thank God!

The Curse of A Father

I was writing something else when something came up.

After praying the rosary, Mama suddenly called for us. I thought that it would be again one of those mom-is-in-the-mood-to-calmly-reprimand-us nights so I wasn't really jittery. But I'm pretty sure that both my sisters, Aika and Faye felt uneasy and wondered if they did something worth reprimanding today. And I actually thought that they will be scolded. But it turned out to be something off the usual.

She asked us to pray for Papa.

I felt the seriousness of the moment. She told us something we all should have known long before. It was all about the reason behind Papa's habit of cursing. It was his past. His past kept hunting him. And she told us that it was only last night that Papa shared those things with her. (I’m opting not to write ALL those things in details.)

As on how my own psychological comprehension would define it, it was simple -- my father was, and is still a mad person.

Papa had no one to lean on to during those times he was growing up. He learned to be independent since he was separated from his family – from his twin brother and eight other siblings, and yes, from his parents. He was raised into the care of his grandfather and aunts, where he felt less of a family. Everything was measured and limited. Going beyond those measures instantly rewarded him a curse. He was confined in a “cursing” environment. He had no one to channel out all his feelings and so he was left keeping everything to himself.

                                     
     

The discussion made us all understand where Papa is coming from and realize what he really needs. He needs us. He needs his family’s help and cooperation. But most importantly, he needs to help himself. The good thing I learned was that Papa is actually aware of it.

Mom told us that our father would not want us to experience what he went through. Apparently, I think how it is going right now is contrary to how he wants it to happen. I hear him curse. Worse is in a sudden change of temper, his “cursing” gets real over some petty matters. Consequently, we, his children would most likely adopt such behavior.

As much as possible, we still heed our family’s NO CURSING policy. You wouldn’t hear us curse (except for Papa) at home. Although I have this gut feeling that my sister Faye curses when she is out of the borderline and that I know that she thinks that I also do, we still control the urge. I HATE myself when I curse. It has always been my problem ever since I learned how to say bad words. To do away with such manner is a struggle most especially when there is no way I could express myself but to curse. In fact, I usually ask a friend to remind me or to just slap my lips whenever they’ll hear me curse. Moreover, I’ve put “NO BAD WORDS” in my phone’s home screen so I will surely be reminded -- but it’s really disappointing that I’m quite failing myself since I have pledge this for Lent.

I am certainly having difficulty fighting my urge to curse. It’s a struggle. But how more difficult it is for my father? When he is living with all those crushing memories which trigger him to just curse? He is entrapped in his own madness and I feel for him. I love my father and I want to help him.

He appears tough and strong before us. I didn’t quite expect that he is going through something like this. Right now, all I want to do is to run to Papa and give him a very BIG hug that only her eldest princess can give. ♥