A Battle Within: Which Way to Go?

"To every person there opens a way:

A highway, a middle way, and a low way.

And the high soul takes a high way;

and the low soul takes a low way;

And in between on the misty flat,

the rest drift to and fro.

But to every person, there opens a way

A high way, a middle way, and a low way.

And every person decides

The way his soul shall go."

-- Ways, John Oxenham

Summing up his homily, our parish priest Fr. Rolly said, "May this poem be your reflection for the week."

And voila! With all the things troubling my once peaceful mind, (or has it really been peaceful?) I heard this poem and I knew it was Papa God's way of talking to me.

I have been in a vicious cycle of enchantment and disenchantment, of almost giving up and still holding on. I have been in this struggle -- in this kind where I ever hate to be -- a struggle of choosing between hanging on to the call of my ministry, or taking on the idea that things are simply not doing well for me and that I do not anymore fit in. And what I have been trying to do is to spot where my anxieties are coming from and to find cure for this distressing concern.

My best friend in the ministry once said, "May mali kasi talaga sa ministry natin." Yes, I know that there is no perfect system. Every thing bears its own imperfection. And that any group -- organization, at that -- is an embodiment of its people. My ministry has been a family to me. But the connection of our souls seems to be slowly growing in a superficial way-- or at least as to how I just see it. And this certain battle within has been affecting my performance as a member and as an officer of my ministry.

What I seek is nourishment for my soul, an exponential increase of faith and worship, requiring an ambiance of festivity and solidarity. And I am not seeing it from my current stance. I find myself wanting to thwart from the traditional way to the new and popular feasting of the faithfuls. But I know that it would be more impossible to constantly, and to completely commit myself to it.

From this poem I think, springs a step I have to take.

So tonight I pray:

My Lord, help me choose my way. Should I talk to my seniors about this, please give me the courage to do so. May I find the light and the right counsel I need in order to do what is right and pleasing to You. Surround me with angels who would help me give back my faith in my community. I love You so much and I do not want to disappoint You anymore. I know that whichever way I decide to go, I'll always go for and end up with You, and Your love. Amen.

 

In those times

It's in those silent moments between our talks, our midnight calls

... you laugh over a corny joke, over nothing at all

... those times you stare at me, and suddenly burst into laughter

... you steal a glance, and smile on your own

... you wake me up with your voice

... your eyes squint when I tease you

... you die of tickles on your knees

... you get amused by silly things

... you talk spontaneously and nonsense

... you keep quiet, with all the mad sense you make

... you activate your weird thinking

... you write and blow me away with your words

... you flash your smile with dimples on both sides

... you flip your hair and let it down

... you leave me chocolates and notes as your surprise

... you find my innocence cute and funny

... you get annoyed with my bipolarity

... you stay honest with your thoughts

... you feel guilty of something

... you say sorry when things get wrong

... you get jealous, and simply jealous

... you come to me and sit on my lap

... you text random sweet nothings

... you surprise me with little things

... you make me coffee and give me cookies
... you get needy, and super clingy

... we inhale, exhale, and pray together

... we walk, and talk, and hold hands

... you lean your head on my shoulder

... you cuddle me from behind

... you run your fingers through my hand

... you wrap your arms around me

... we kiss.

It's in those times... my heart keeps falling for you.

Everyday, I love you.

The First Breakthrough of Indefiniteness

JUNE 25, 2013
Happy First Birthday!

It's a year after.

What has become to a once an innocent child? Has the past reached its oblivion state? How do you believe that you are not standing in limbo?

It's a year after, and it calls for celebration.

Life has changed since the first step, the first look, the first touch, the first taste -- when all of your senses were still normally functioning within your naive human form, trying to keep you existent and alive.

You've reached your penniless state or your figurative nothingness as you realize that you have invested a lot in worthless things, wasted times, temporary satisfaction, and ephemeral pleasures that somehow even brought you obnoxious heartaches and pains.

Still you choose to stand still. It's a year after -- you're still holding your ground. You choose to stay and believe that things will happen in their destined time.

Hunger strikes when your soul starts searching for something new. You feel that a year gone by turned into a daily rut of forceful efforts to survive every day is pushing you to look for a brand new experience of doing things in a different approach.

And then comes procrastination saying hello. Fear follows and creeps in. Little by little, you let them drive the wheel and steer your ship onto rough waves under the menacing clouds. Now, what takes a toll in your life? Who's to blame?

The challenge is to be at the helm of things - you change your own destiny and be where you want to be. A year has passed and still nothing changed? Maybe then you are at a slow pace of seizing the days, especially when you're after a great difference in your life -- that break point you want to own. 

It's a year after. You deserve a pat on the back. Kudos my friend!

You have survived those days of blandness, jubilation and sorrow. Cheers to more days of life's surprises, to the indefiniteness and unpredictability of reality. You'll soon be having a day in the sun or find yourself in a pickle -- you'll never know. But continue to dream and believe for breakthroughs abound!

No worries, though. Just inhale, exhale, and pray.

It's all in His time, in His hands. You've got your faith, and you're good to go. 

It's My Early Birthday Message

My dearest Maura,


Hi little sister! Ate Erika's staying up late tonight. Initially, for no apparent reason. But I thought of you.

I've been thinking of doing this -- just now that I actually had the time to face my desktop and open this blog again.

To begin with: heart check?

11:20 am 06/08/13

You replied:

"Falling"

#Ehem

First, I want to say THANK YOU. We've been friends for more or less six years now. (Oh no! Oh yes.. we're growing old together. Hahaha.) And this friendship has grown a lot more stronger than ever. (Oh my gosh. I might get emotional in a while. Lol.)

And yes, for a little throwback here. HAHAHA.

You are four years younger than I am, though we know for a fact that others mistakenly think you are only and will always be a twelve-year-old, I have always admired you for how you get things done. You know how to calm down your Ate Erika. You know how to neutralize my extremities, counterattack my pessimism, narrow down my choices, understand all absurdity, and deal with my bipolarity. You're a patient little sister, dear. I know you love me so much, you won't get sick of me even if we get stuck with each other today and forever doing random stuff like shopping, dreaming, and ranting over all our souls' frustrations. Haha! THANK YOU. I thank God for you.

I've been taking you through my life's journey -- through my ups and downs, my confessions and confusions, and my winning moments of love and life. And you're just there, sitting next to me while eating chocolates and all other sweets, or drinking McCafe, bearing with my cyclical, too detailed and endless stories, then silently laughing, turning red, crying! Oh how cute you really are! Hahaha. Priceless UBE moments, eh?

Still, there are things you have yet to know about me. And as I've told you, you'll know them in time. But I'm thankful enough for how far we have come to know each other. I always learn from you -- learning nuggets of truths I have long forgotten. May our days together be more meaningful as we walk through our God's destined journey. (MLC Forever na 'to dude! Haha!)

ANYWAY.

Have you by this time realized the reason behind this piece? Ok. Fine. Honestly, you are not scaring the hell out me. Nuh-uh. Not to that extent. But I think -- I just don't want to admit how unprepared I am to let go of you anytime soon, little sister.

10:25 am 01/07/13

You texted:

"Pasalamat ka i love you and i value your happiness.

I think ganun naman talaga mga baby sister. Selfish.

Pero in the end naman it's not about us.

You go wherever your heart leads you.

I'll always be here to listen, to walk behind, 

more than willing to be the third wheel.

That's how much i love you. And that's how much i am willing

to accept anyone, eventually love anyone, you love. >:)<"

Oh again, with my *tears*..

Here me out this time.

I'm sorry, baby Mau. I would never want to dictate anything. But I think, big sisters act this way because that's how they are suppose to. We are in nature, protective. You know me too well -- I'm opinionated. And I have to say things I have to. But when it all comes down to you and your heart, one thing I don't want to happen: I don't want you get hurt.

Yes, I know it's inevitable. And it's actually necessary to get hurt. And that I have to let you do things on your own and let you learn, and blah blah blah.. .. but your Ate Erika's still in the process of trying to accept possible changes. I am foreseeing things not imbued in my system. I'm sounding selfish here, I know. Still I always end up thinking of you. I've seen you break down and cry -- it broke my heart. I don't want that to happen again.

However, there is a big BUT.

I told you -- I have always admired you. I know you can handle things well. I won't recommend HOPELINE this time. You don't need that. Haha. I want you to always PRAY. Okay? And give me a ring whenever you need to. If you are to fall, fall gracefully. If you are to fall, let someone catch you -- someone strong enough to get a grip on you. Kung wala talaga, ako na! Si Ate Erika na. Isasama ko pa si Ate Larvie! Para pag nalaglag ka, sabay-sabay tayong tatawa na lang. Ok? :)

Oh well! Whatever course you take, I am with you. Whoever you choose, I will be.. uhmm.. to be fair.. I will be kind. Haha. Lols. But seriously, at the end of the day, I'm just here to back you up, to give you a tap on the back for jobs well done, to push you forward in reaching your dreams, and to welcome you with open arms when you need comfort.

Ate Erika loves you soooo much! Always remember that, ok? Here's to more years of McDo bonding, loving, and hugging underwater. ♥

Yes to early birthday messages. But no to early birthday blues. Ok? HAHA.

I love you. I miss you. God bless you always! :*


xoxo,

Ate Erika 

It was an Avenue for a Moment

What transpired was another story -- in another locale. It was at that awkward moment, under a booming silence, I lost my nerves.

I don't know what made me do these. I'm not sure if I was just trying to put myself to sleep or I flustered over the existence of an external force which prompted me to grab that repose pencil.

Or perhaps, it was just an effect of booze coming in. Oh maybe yes, it was.

A. The picture above does not look like exactly how I wanted it to be. I tried to sketch the lamp on the desk. But it doesn't even look like one, does it? That's how abstract I am. #hahaha #excuses

B. I apologize for my extraterrestrial handwriting, but in a more fathomable transcription, it actually reads:

It's an unknown mystery

When coldness comes closely

And you're all alone

Left with a potential fear

The bright light knocks on you

Trying to measure how welcome it is

It's cold, it's silent

It's unpredictable, it's dangerous

Why? Why does fear have to tag along?

When all you want to see

When all you want to fear

Is its deafening possibility

You're left with a sweet ambiguity

Perplexed in a caressing labyrinth

You ask yourself,

Is it red or blue? Black or white?

Then closing windows enter in

But with doors left unlocked

What to do? What to dream?

If I wake up, how are we supposed to see?

---- And as I type it, I want to make revisions. I honestly do. I didn't give this piece a second glance after finishing it at that wee hour. Because all I can remember is my drowsiness trying to knock me out, and the coldness embracing me. I'm pretty sure that there were words in my mind at that time I thought I was writing down. But apparently, I did not. Hell yeah, I was physically and mentally exhausted. Boozy. Wasted.

(So to remember and preserve that feeling from that very moment, even in protest of the not-so-very-and-trying-hard-grammar-nazi in me, I will not change, nor add a word in this.)

I hit the sack at that second I thought it was beginning to feel like I was melting in an ice-cold room where only a whispering melody from a distance was the only capable thing that can gradually overpower a frantic, disturbing moment. Yet no more words -- I did not like to comprehend. I went to bed.

And that's the end.

A Self-Pronounced Annoying Emo

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I am yet again having one of those nights when I can hardly put myself to sleep -- I end up singing to random songs of instrumental versions in Youtube, endlessly dreaming I could write and sing my own song someday.

This just hit me:

Why in the world have I become like this? I've grown into a forlorn being -- someone who is most of the time pessimistic, impatient, and emotionally irrational. These do not -- in any way -- show maturity for a 22-year-old lady to handle things light and easy. *deep sigh*

I've noticed that there has always been a tinge of darkness in things I write or even think about. WHY? 

Oh boy, this is alarming. I might die young. Yes, I would probably die young if I would keep killing my time moving and turning around in a small, confined four-marked border in the center stage, immersing myself in the unknown shadows. I need to do something about this, I know.

Last Sunday, I went to serve. I knew from the very start that something was wrong -- I would disappoint. I buckled. It didn't feel good thereafter. I felt sorry. To God, I apologized.  

In no surprise though, I did not miss the chance to get noticed by my co-lector, Ms. Tina. She caught me sinking on my own when she asked me. Then she said, "Sige, I'll pray for you." Hours later, I received a short inspiring text message from my other co-lector whom I also shared service with that day. I had no idea if she simply knew I was going through something or Ms.Tina told her about our encounter. Nevertheless, her message made my heart smile a bit.

Likewise, several times it did happen when a friend would message me and ask if I was OK. All the more so, others would spontaneously say, "Bakit parang ang tahimik mo 'ata?" "Bakit parang ang init ng ulo mo?" "Uy, si Ekai parang ang tahimik ha?" (I'm referring even to those whom I do not share intimate friendship with.)

And here's what my defensive ego has to say: It's quite irritating. What do you care anyway? What's difficult about these people is that they get used to see me happy -- very happy -- it restrains me from wanting to stay quiet at times I would just like to enjoy serenity. It appears to me that silence should never be my choice. Hey, how unfair is that for me?

But when my (real and close) friends come to notice and ask me the same thing -- I can't help but to be boldly honest to myself. I think that whenever they start to feel my indifference, my eyes betray me and speak the truth on behalf of my muffled tongue. What they see isn't merely another episode of a mood swing attack but that something is bothering me. And no matter how I try to conceal it, I just get really transparent. Again I ask myself, WHY? Why can people see through me as clear as water?

A. My friends know me very well even to bits and pieces. 

B. I am so dear to my friends, they get affected and worried.

C. They are so great, they simply know how to read people.

D. Some people are just so intrusive and gossipy, they got skills.

E. I simply do not know how to hide and control emotions.

Answer: All of the above? HAHA.

My heart always gets moved by my friends' sweet gestures of concern. But now, I'm worried that I might become an annoying attention-seeker, and that people around me would grow tired of understanding me. I fear of getting fed up and giving up on myself as well. I don't want those things to happen. I could not just die and drop dead without someone to catch me from behind.

AND SO...

As part of my action plan, I'll sleep this off and conclude everything with a prayer, because Papa God whispered to me just now:

Happiness is everywhere. You just have to find it yourself. My child, you have to look around. Your life is my gift, do not waste it. Smile, laugh, sing, and dance. Do not be sad. Besides, I AM HERE. I should be above everything else, right? Put me in the core of your heart, and you'll surely find peace and eternal happiness. You'll never feel alone with me.

Whew! Am I crazy? No. Papa God did say that and He embraced me.

OK. This has to end. I will try my best to be more positive in everything when I wake up. (Yeah, I'll do that instantly. I'll make it possible overnight. Haha.)

So, good night. ♥

I Fell in Love.

She got jitters during the last stretch of that day when she wasn't clearly seeing how everything would end. Her spirit was jumping and saying, "Hey, come what may!" Yes, she didn't see it coming.

The next thing she knew, she opened her eyes to the peeking rays of Mr. Sun as it cracked the dawn, and embraced the welcoming cold breeze in Aurora. It was certainly a way better wake-up experience than the ones she always gets in Manila.

As she set foot on the new locale, she felt spontaneous. She felt light. She was floating in midair. It was a beginning of yet another story.

She did not come to travel alone. She had company -- a great bunch -- whom she knew were as adventurous as she was. Yes, she was not traveling alone but she was having another personal undertaking -- her soul was in lust to discover, to try new things, and to break the rules.

It was a long haul before she reached the top. The journey was not easy at all. She could remember every detail then.

The rock-strewn road shook every tiny bit of her. The scenic horizons agonized her soul as it augmented the fact that she was powerless to seize time. Boulders hurdled her path in a very natural and beautiful way, and insignificantly pained her as she got her feet caught in between for several times. She held hands she avoided from the very beginning, bringing unknown currents through her veins, currents beyond those of the flowing river. She carried weight and burdened herself with even more. She took it the hard way and embraced the pain of it. She let the scorching heat envelope her -- with open arms, she wanted to be completely covered. She enjoyed every second she stumbled -- laughed her heart out as she was in another phase of rediscovering herself.

 But at that moment when she stepped onto the zenith of the journey, where she finally reached the very goal of her trip, all the arduous trekking made it even priceless. Her joy was overflowing. It was the sweetest prize. This was all that she was left saying: Oh, thank You, God!

Ditumabo Falls in Baler, Aurora

She was in panic deep inside. She knew not what to do first. She satisfied herself with the visual treat of nature for a while. She savored the moment. Then she dipped her foot into the natural pool. It was surprisingly very cold but it was no reason to stop her from diving in.

She could not get too close to the raging water as it both delivered her extreme happiness and fear -- happiness for its radiating extraordinary beauty and fear for its dangerous power of swallowing her wholly.

So she simply gratified herself in a corner, leaned over a boulder. She closed her eyes, prayed and thanked God. She closed her eyes and saw nothing but a light of rainbow hues. It was an empty space of bright light she did not want to vanish. The nature's noise was music to her ears. She did not want the melody to end. She was feeling every millisecond the cold water was touching her. She boldly set her face in front of the falling water letting the sprinkles hit her every pore. She felt the running water driving away her stagnant life. Its rage was rippling down her spine and chilled every nerve alive. She was at peace, and her heart was in ecstasy. At one point, she lived and died at the same time. It was love.

She cried. She cried in joy, in gratitude, and in pain. It was an overwhelming dream in reality. She cried her heart out: Thank You, God!

But as how an adage says it, every little good thing must come to an end. Reality has to set in.

With all those fantasies and magic she was about to believe in, we had to fuse again. I had to destroy the moment. I was the one who fell in love. I fell in love and had my heart shattered into pieces shortly after that wonderful feeling. I did not want to be apart from such euphoric and heavenly state.

I was left with nothing but hope to reach that moment again -- where dreamland becomes tangible and life runs dynamically as the falling water.

It hurt me as I turned my back from my transitory paradise. But now, I look forward to the day of seeing it again.

And falling in love with it one more time. ♥

Love on a Friday

It was Thursday afternoon when the wind whipped past by me and took my happiness away.

Xhy started ignoring me. I got vulnerable and porous enough to absorb her contagious grumpiness. And it was only later I learned from Laiza why she was acting that way -- because I was too unmovable, she got disappointed and frustrated after I repeatedly turned her down on a Baler trip. And still I paid no attention. I couldn't care less. It was still my choice anyway. I did not want to go. What do they care? (Yeah, I know. I was being a stubborn little brat.)

I wasn't really feeling up and alive since then. It was past midnight when I had a little chat with my colleague-friends. We were initially talking about something (err.. someone?) when my honey Jam posted a picture that triggered an underlying tension amid the conversation. It just made me feel worse so I had to quit. I decided to just sleep it off wishing I'd feel better when I wake up.

JUNE 30.

Unfortunately, Mr. Sun wasn't powerful enough to get a grip on me. It was payday. I wanted to just loaf around the whole day. I was feeling very idle. I still went to work though.

But little did I know that I would be having my heart B-R-O-K-E-N on a Friday. </3

I stayed anxiously quiet the whole day at work with a looooot of things preoccupying my mind. Xhy was still ignoring me. And Jam, surprisingly did not even bother to say hello. What's wrong with my honey? :'(

Evening came. It was this message I saw while I was getting the nightly scripts done.

And a frappe, with a little note on a tissue was delivered to me shortly after I read that text message.

AND MY HEART JUST MELTED AWAY! Oh, God --  I got weak on my knees! They swept me off my feet! >insert tantrums here<

Jam and I had to talk over the phone to clear things up. She got a little jealous over... never mind. But uuhh... wasn't that sweet, eh? :') I did blush within. Hihi. ♥

Xhy could not resist either. Hey, I AM her baby sister after all. Haha. She loves me so much, she just knows how to get me. Yeah, right. :D You won this time, Xhy. ♥

Well, behind all these things (or should I say petty quarrels?) was my dear Laiza who stayed beside me and helped me get through a tough Friday. She reminded me, "Tignan mo, ang daming nagmamahal sayo. Kaya wag ka na ma-sad." Our friendship and understanding went beyond than I expected. Haha. Thank you and I love you, BebeLai. ♥

And yes, I think I have to thank Elmer too. For the record, he was very consistent and persistent enough to convince me to join the trip. He used his charming ways and jests to get me. Haha! He did everything in my favor. Bravo, Elmer! Bravo. :) Thank you. If it wasn't for you as well, I would not dream of going back to that heavenly place in Baler.


Above everything else, I could not stop thanking You, Papa God! ♥ I felt Your love through my friends. Thank You. Thank You for making me feel soooo loved. Thank You for making things possible for me. Thank You for reminding me how to love the people around me. Thank You, thank You. I love You too, Papa God.

I got really overwhelmed. THANK YOU. Cheers to a happy Friday! :) More to come! Yey!

LOL!

When tears shed from your eyes and you can't dig up the exact reason why, how would you call yourself?

Crazy, perhaps.

Tonight, I had a very good laugh. And I think it was overdone that's why I ended up crying as well. Thanks to my dear friend Elmer, who never fails to feed us with his daily punch of jests. What's actually funny about him is that he, himself cannot stand up to his own jokes. Sometimes, he would start laughing yet without finishing his intended pun. (But oh, I'm worse. My laughter comes ahead of my joke.)

And since I am a person who can hardly move on from something very hilarious, I can continually laugh or just suddenly burst out laughing even hours after a joke was cracked or a funny thing happened.

Still up to this moment, I cannot help but laugh as it hits me over and over. Earlier, Elmer was trying to convince me to join in their Baler trip on Friday. When I firmly said, "No" he acted hurt, sulked in the corner and faked his loud sobs. In the end, we just couldn't stop laughing -- to make it more difficult, we had to do it in restraint.

Moments like this makes me feel more than grateful. I can't help but be emotionally happy. Tears begin to form around the corner of my eyes waiting to drop freely and then I agitate inside wondering where I am really coming from. Then that's where my conclusion of me becoming crazy comes in. Whew! (Though at times it appears to be strongly possible, I still know it is diagnostically false.) But believe me, I enjoy crying when I laugh too much. It feels reeaaaaally goooood. :)

What I'm sure right now is that I cannot list all the minutiae I have in mind. They come in random, in mixed importance. I'm going through something I cannot closely delineate. My mind has a concoction of thoughts and jumbled words of concerns.

I cannot fix them all at once, or perhaps resolve them one by one. But when life allows me to laugh my heart out, even so I get crazy, I always thank God for making me happy. Because above all the dancing letters and topsy-turvy words rattling inside my brain is no one but my Lord holding my heart in rest. ♥

Thank You Papa God for the gift of laughter. :')
Thank You very muuuuuch! 

It's No Fun On A Swing

Vacillate.

If there is one thing that I consistently do, it is to vacillate.

If I may speak in jest, yes, it is a habit. But no -- it has been my sickness.

Everyday before going to work, I would think of what to wear. I would try something on, then suddenly shrug it off. It would take time before I can really decide what to wear. At work, we always have the same question when hunger strikes, "Anong kakainin/bibilhin mo?" I also have the same answer, "Hindi ko alam kung ano." These are only few of the daily questions I battle to answer, small problems I struggle to resolve. And it sucks not to know how to simply choose.

Likewise for the past days, two of my friends are consistently persuading me -- and bribing me as well -- to join their Baler trip this coming Friday. Though it has long been planned, I keep on refusing since I am psychologically, physically, and financially not ready. I was one of those who earlier planned for our original getaway trip, which was actually compromised for some reason so I pulled myself out. Yes, my friends can't help but complain about my backing-out-in-the-last-minute attitude. I want to go with them -- but I can't.

I remember my college days when I had tough times in between, standing in the brink of giving up during those four years of hauling within the scholastic pillars of Adamson with the hope of turning out to be "someone" if not to realistically become a great catalyst of change. I remember those times when life called on me to make a choice and decide -- it heavily enervated me. I wouldn't likely be able to make it through those times if not for my loving family and friends who helped me narrow down my options and pushed me to do and go for the things I really wanted -- because I was too weak to decide on my own.

Those who know me from a superficial surface of this world cannot attest to my indecisiveness, pessimism, and timidity. On a cursory level, a friend would not know how long it would take me to shop, (it's a given sickness for girls but I think mine's a terrible case), how restless I become with things I want and I need to do, how fidgety I become when waiting, and how inferior I am when in doubt. But people who know me to bits and pieces would probably want to whack my head when wavering attacks and then I back out.

All these I'm saying because something hit me today. A friend was insisting, "No, seriously. Career talk."

I had to shy away from it. I always do. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I sometimes think that whenever I am commended for something, (and I do not acknowledge it) especially when it comes to my writing, my inferiority complex is mistaken for my arrogance. But I cannot think of ways on how I can genuinely address that I seriously do not have enough confidence to believe.

It really sucks to be a little girl in a playground, alone on a swing, swinging back and forth, with or without someone behind to push me; a girl who in no way can go elsewhere unless I take risk, lose my grip, and try other things.

Why in the world do I get tired of this sickness and yet do nothing to cure it? This is ridiculous. No, I am ridiculous.

Unless I learn how to simplify life and not to exacerbate things, choose and decide not to falter, I would stay where I am today and lead to nowhere. 

Lost.

The only thing standing between me and happiness is reality.

It's high time to change routes
To gear up and find my way back
Turn to more serious matters
Without trying to kill my daily joy

I've been losing my grip
Without me realizing that I really am
I've been focusing on you, and on this and that
But see, I'm in a wrong depth of field

I got too overwhelmed with all of these
I lost sight of how the clock ticks
Everything steps a little closer
I can't see what's going on

Yes, I am within the me-generation
But if I am self-absorbed,
What do I really mean?
In a world where happiness is subjective

This theory of getting myself out from absurdity
Should I, will I find the real thing?
This transitory and loving euphoria comes to an end
Let me find myself, oh dear friend.

Oh My Crush --- I'm crushed!

Why do I jitter whenever you're near?

My hands sweat when I hold you. It wasn't like that before.

When I see you smile, my heart skips a beat.

Just the sight of you, oh just a sight of you... my day is complete.

Your dark brown eyes -- they mesmerize me.

With just one look, my soul surrenders.

This joy is feverish, it's weakening.

You make me submit to your demands.

I love it when we fight and argue on simple things.

I love it when you are at helm, you insist, but I still win.

I love hearing you laugh. I love seeing you happy.

I love talking to you. You are just so fun to be with.

But I can't tell you all of these things. It will ruin everything.

We're friends. We can't be more than that.

And we'll leave it like that. Just like that.

No questions asked. Case closed.

Though I still have this little hope in my heart,

I won't try, I won't ask -- I'm paralyzed by rules.

I just have to cope with letting it all go.

Don't worry. Surely, this will all end with a dead pink rose.

There is a Secret in a Labyrinth of Randomness

I have not realized the time.

It’s half past two o’clock in the morning, and I still have to wake up early later.

But I can’t sleep.

This is very random. I’ll share you my thoughts right at this moment.

1.             I just ate a pack of Nacho chips paired with mayo dip.

2.             I hate my eating habits.

3.             I’m drinking lychee-flavored green tea with real aloe vera bits, and it tastes awesome.

4.             I hope it won’t trigger my acid reflux.

5.             I suddenly want cookies.

6.             I have a crush.

7.             I’ve been thinking about my crush.

8.            Now playing: “Of all the things I ever wanna do, I think I'll start and end with loving you” Of All The Things by Dennis Lambert

9.            Next song: Brown Eyes by Destiny’s Child

10.       Later, I need to bring seven salted eggs and tomatoes.

11.        I’m excited for the “picnic”.

12.        I’m sad.

13.        I’m stressed.

14.        I’m awake because of the cup of coffee I had earlier.

15.        I want a vacation.

16.        I want to go hiking.

17.        Ela Teodosio owes me that Mt.Maculot trip. :/

(just a google picture. credits to the owner.)

18.        I’ll eat ice cream tomorrow.

19.        I was touched when my siblings called earlier.

20.       They all made lambing, but mom kept quiet.

21.        Each of them said “I love you Ate!” --- that was so rare.

22.        The chips and drinks cost me P302.00. 

These were the requested pasalubongs.

23.        I’m starting to feel sleepy.

24.        But I feel like vomiting. Another acid reflux episode? Oh no.

25.        I miss talking to someone worth talking to.

26.        What I mean of “talk” is a “real talk”.

27.         I just can’t say who my crush is.

28.        Hahaha, this is crazy!

29.        I need a date.

30.        I need a friend.

31.         OMG, I’m needy??? Yikes!

32.        I still can’t write the Part II of my Part I. (One Week Diary: Glad to be Sleepless)

33.        I’m starting to feel really sleepy.

34.        I’m the only one awake here.

35.        I wonder how my best friends are. Where are you guys?

36.        I don’t like how **** tells irrelevant stories. You think we’re learning? PFT.

37.        I think **** and **** are starting to annoy me. (In some ways.. whew!)

38.       I miss drinking SOFTDRINKS.

39.       BUT HELL! I’m so not giving into the temptation!!!

40.       I’m struggling to get rid of saying bad words as my expressions! But it’s just sooooo difficult like… @1!!#%^&&*/’;@@!!!

41.       I like you.

42.       I love you.

43.       I miss you.

44.        When will I get what I want?

45.        Should I stay or not?

46.        Where’s the motivation? I got lost in the way.

47.         It’s three in the morning. Good morning. Happy (?) Thursday!

48.        Greed. Envy. Jealousy.

49.        Anger. I’m a mad person you know.

50.        I like to vacillate. No, I don’t like it. But it’s just really a part of me.

51.         I want to sing and dance.

52.        I want to perform again. Or host an event.

53.        My skills are deteriorating. My brain is getting rotten. SHOOT! :'(

54.        I want to learn. I want to travel.

55.        I want to travel and learn.

56.        I want to meet Pope Francis.

57.        I want to have a picture with Toni Gonzaga.

58.        I should have tried courting someone a long time ago.

59.        That would be fun! Haha.

60.        Sometimes, I’m gay.

61.         I want to sing and make someone feel “kilig” whenever I do. LOLS.

62.         I will watch a movie ALONE again, but when??

63.         It’s Lent and I think I’ve made no effort on anything. :’(

64.         My NO SOFTDRINKS policy is not enough as my sacrifice this Lent, I know. I’m sorry   Papa God.

65.        But I love You Lord. I can’t wait to spend my Holy Week with You!

66.        I need to rest my heart, mind, and soul.

67.        I’m happy with the flow of my thoughts right now but generally not with how things are in my life.. (BOOM.)

68.        It’s this hashtag I-Like-You-I-Just-Cant-Tell-You-It-Will-Ruin-Everything. 

69.         I need a hug.

70.         I need the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

71.         Summer’s here. Damn, it’s hot. The beach is so unreachable at this moment.

72.        Where is our splice?

73.        My playlist makes my room a bit of a melancholic cave.

74.        I want to cut my hair. But I want it long too.

75.        I’m a bi-po-lar.

76.        I understand it won’t be all at once but someday, I’ll have it all.

77.         I’m always under construction.

78.         I want to paint my room again.

79.         Now playing: Power of Two by Indigo girls

80.         I’m trembling whenever I think of it.

81.         It doesn’t make me happy.

82.         I want more money.

83.         I need to save money. I’m actually broke.

84.        Chocolate makes me happy. Simple joy it is.

85.        Ice cream will complete a “date.”

86.         I love surprises.

87.         Actually, everything will depend on my mood.

88.         ♫♪ “There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart.” ♪♫

89.         ♫♪”Break it to me gently, when you have to say good bye.” ♪♫

90.         ♥♥♥

91.        This is all random. I better sleep in a while.

92.        No questions, case closed.

93.        I want to play a game... again.

  

94.       I’m excited to try threading next week!

95.       It’s Holy Week next week. I’ll have more Me-Time and Church-Time.

96 .       I’ll have another hotel reservation maybe … next year. :P

97.       I need to buy white shirts. The heat of summer is just driving me crazy.

98.       Have you read between the lines? Hope you did. :)

99.       Where will all these things end? Where will I end?

100.    It will always be with You, My Lord.

It's half past four o'clock in the morning.

Time to sleep. Good night. See you in  my dreams! ♥